Friday, September 14, 2012

Gangster

I think I've mentioned that when Halloween rolled around back when I was a kid that I rarely was ready for the big night, and always had the worst ideas for a costume. One year I insisted on being a gangster. I wore some horrid white suit with weird red and blue pinstripes. The fact that my father had the suit in his closet is hilarious now that I think about it. It was huge on me. I had it in my mind that a gangster had to have a thin John Waters' mustache and a huge stomach, so I put a pillow under my shirt. My mother was assisting with the costume, and like she did with so many other events, she made it worse.

She felt the pillow needed to be realistically positioned so she tucked the lower fifth of it down the front of my very baggy pants. But the weight of it caused it to slip and push my pants down. So she came up with what I'm sure was a brilliant idea in her mind - the pillow would be held in place by a pair of her underwear to be worn over MY underwear. A yellow pair (relevant I think).

I was a young boy, so her underwear (refraining from using the word 'panties') was HUGE on me. As proportionately huge as the suit was. We did a few trial runs, with me walking briskly through the house. Even with a belt, I still had to grip the top of the pants to keep them from falling down. And this was a feasible solution for my mother, who sent us on our way.

Back in those days, the streets were PACKED with kids. A built-in audience. An hour or so into trick-or-treating, my pants were forced down by the pillow, which happily escaped my mother's underwear. So I stood there, with my pants around my ankles, a pillow on the sidewalk, wearing a giant pair of women's underwear. A yellow pair.

I don't remember what happened next. It must have been a dysfunctional scene... a small boy scraping up a Norman Bates mess of a life.



13 comments:

Autumnleaf said...

If ONLY we had video phones back then!

Rot said...

ha. yeah. I'd youtube it and be on Tosh.0

GoneferalinID said...

HA ha ha ha ha! That made me chuckle. Thanks for sharing.

Jay's Shadow said...

:D That was great!

Rot said...

And I should add that my brother has mocked me about this for years - stating that the choice to wear women's panties was 100% mine.

TiKiMOOSE said...

Rot, That was so funny! I remember
A few years back now, my step daughter
stated that she wanted to be a gangster
for Halloween. I said Oh, that's a great idea! I said, I have a old suit you could wear and an old Dick Tracy movie fedora hat, and we could go buy a tommy gun at the costume shop....She looked at me with the most bewildered expression...I said What?! What did you have in mind? She said she wanted a red bandana around her head, a white "wife beater" tank, torn jeans, fake tattoos, sketchers, and a plastic knife...I guess she wanted to be a gang"sta'" not a gang"ster"
I must learn to listen more closely.

217 said...

That made me laugh uncontrollably for a few seconds. That is awful, man!
In a similar vein, I wanted to be Darth Vader one year. (I was like 8 or 9) No one in my family had a clue how to help with this. I got the brilliant idea to wear a black leotard outfit and draw the costume "details" on with chalk. I was drawing the buttons on the chest and started drawing on the lower torso when my older sister started laughing hysterically till she cried.
...I shelved that costume idea. :(

Marrow said...

This has to be the scariest thing ever posted on your blog.

Pam Morris said...

omg! I am lmao--that was so funny--thanks for sharing!

ShellHawk said...

Our childhood costumes gone awry explain so very much about us as haunters when we become adults! I.e. everything MUST be perfect! We will control EVERYTHING to within an inch of its unlife! ;o)

I understand completely, man. I have horrid memories of that stupid bunny costume...

Dave Lowe said...

Great story.

The biggest costume mishap I had was heading out dressed as the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I played it up, limping to doors and saying "Trick or treat" out of the side of my mouth. I was having a great Halloween night until I knocked on a door answered by a real hunchbacked man.

That was awkward.

K.O. said...

Ahhh, greatest story EVER! :)
I love the line "refraining from calling them panties," and the fact that the yellowness of the underwear is a "relevant" detail in your mind. Hahahaha!!! So awesome.

Vintage Seance said...

This is hilarious! Now I will never be able to look at yellow panties the same way, haha.